i saw the t.v. glow

there is still time

I Saw the T.V. Glow is a movie about "desisting". For those not au-fait with trans terminology, "to desist" is to realise that you're transgender, and then make a decision not to transition. Often people desist because transition feels impossible: they might worry about passing, or about violence, or about love. There are lots of reasons people desist, and I don't want it to seem like I'm criticising their choices. I'm not. I get it. I send out love.

That's the framework that IStTVG is working in — realisation, and fear, and pain. The pain of being the person you are right now, and the fear that any other life is an impossible fantasy.

Why am I writing about this sad film on my Buffy blog? Well — this movie is also about BtVS. Or at least, the fandom surrounding it. The feeling of comfort in it, and the way fictions allow people (me) to explore new parts of themselves. But also the danger of comfort, and how courageous it is to get uncomfortable. The film features a fictional show, The Pink Opaque, which is amongst other things a BtVS reference. There's a Big Bad, monsters of the week, implied lesbianism — everything we know and love from BtVS. Amber Benson even makes a cameo appearance. The textually male main character takes refuge and solace in this "show for girls" about strong women defying social expectations and fighting back against darkness. As a teenage BtVS fan, and a former weird depressed kid — I can relate. We all wanted to be strong, and we all wanted there to be a darkness we can fight against.

I won't write anything plot-specific right now. All I will say is, this film both inspired my recent BtVS rewatch and made me take a long hard look at my life and the ways I take care of myself. It's beautiful, and weird, and a lot like Restless. Worth watching.